


Weekend at Scout's

by salainen



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Fluff, Other, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 03:52:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2009943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salainen/pseuds/salainen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scout's family comes to visit the base. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weekend at Scout's

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the wonderful voxmyriad.

They arrive at the base in a non-descript van, black with dark windows, in the late evening. Engineer is the one that hits the alarm, calling the rest of the team, and they assemble in the common area to see what all the noise is about. 

“Wha's goin' on?” Demo asks in the middle of a huge yawn. Apparently he was taking a nap.

“I don't want to alarm y'all,” Engie says, “but this mighty suspicious van just pulled up, and it might be the feds.”

Everyone scrambles to the window to get a better look.

“I don't know what government van would even look like,” Heavy says, after they've all been pressed against the glass for about thirty seconds.

“For one, I don't think it would have Scout's mother in it,” Medic points out from where his friend is squishing him against the pane.

“Oh, man, ma's here? She wasn't supposed to get here 'til tomorrow!” Scout says, already bounding out of the room to comb his hair and generally make himself more presentable.

“Why, exactly, is Scout's mother here?” Sniper asks, back at the window.

“He invited her to come see him,” Spy answers. “Unlike some people I know, his family is fully aware of what he does for a living and wished to pay him a visit.”

Sniper smirks. “Which you no doubt encouraged.”

Spy gives a delicate shrug, as if to say _what can you do?_

“But if Scout mother came to see Spy, who are other men?” Heavy asks. He and the pinned Medic are the only two left at the window, now, and can see that several other men are getting out of the back seats of the van.

“What?” says Spy, the cigarette falling from his open mouth as he rushes over to see.

“What's everybody looking at?” Scout says, returning from his room. “Oh, hey, she brought all my brothers too.”

Spy breathes a small sigh of relief. “I had forgotten there were more of you.”

“Yeah, it's probably gonna get pretty rowdy around here until they leave, man. You might wanna take up sleeping on Snipes' van again.”

“Nonsense, I put up with you, do I not?”

Before Scout can answer, the front door swings open and there's a chorus of young men shouting “Scooter!” and then Scout is tackled to the ground under them.

 _Scooter?_ Demo mouths to Engineer, who just shrugs.

“Boys, come on,” says a female voice from the entryway. “It's been a long drive and we're trying to make a good impression on Scooter's friends, here.”

The boys get off of Scout, who sits up, slightly dazed. All of his brothers line up next to their mother, who starts the introductions. There are seven of them: Joe, Billy, Eddie, Kevin, Jack, Steve, and Bobby.

Spy immediately sweeps Scout's mother outside for a walk and a chat after the introductions are done. Everyone else stands around, unsure of what to do.

Unsurprisingly, it's Engie who breaks the ice. “So, uh, 'Scooter', huh?”

Scout groans. 

“It was what we called him as a kid,” says Kevin.

“Yeah, he was always scootin' around when we were kids and it just kinda stuck,” Billy says.

“Suits you,” Engineer says with a grin.

Steve looks around the room. “So, uh, nice base.”

Scout snorts. “Good job being polite, knucklehead. The base is a craphole and everyone knows it.”

“The common area's a bit shabby,” Engie admits. “But the labs are pretty nice.”

“Nice if you like getting exploded or cut up.”

All of Scout's brothers perk up at the sound of “exploded”. “You guys have a whole room for blowin' stuff up?” asks Eddie, eyes bright.

“Of course we do, lad! I'm a Highland Demolitions Man! Also Engie builds things in it.”

“Thanks a lot, Demo.”

“Can we see it?” asks Bobby.

“Aye, come along with me, boys!” Demo leads the pack of brothers out of the room in the direction of the engineering/demolitions lab.

“I better make sure nothing of mine gets blown to smithereens,” Engie says, mostly to himself, and scrambles after them.

* * *

Outside, Spy is taking Scout's mother for a romantic stroll in the moonlight. Or as romantic as it gets when one can still hear the shouting of fifteen men inside the base and knows that the Administrator and her minions are probably watching. And there may be some explosives still lying about in the darkness. Not to mention the normal hazards that a desert provides.

He tried, at least.

“Wow, it's colder out here than I would've thought, this being the desert and all,” she says.

Wordlessly, Spy takes off his jacket and sweeps it around her shoulders. She just smiles, tucks her arm into his, and leans against his shoulder. “Thanks, sweetie.”

“ _Mon plaisir._ ”

* * *

Inside, the mercenaries who didn't go down to the lab with Scout's brothers are watching the scene through the window, unbeknownst to the participants.

“Is sweet,” says Heavy, smiling.

“It's gross is what it is,” says Scout. It doesn't stop him from taking pictures to extort things from Spy later. 

Sniper slaps the camera down. “Be nice to your mother, you piker.”

“Hey, sorry to interrupt,” says Joe, coming back in from the lab. “But I wanted to see the other lab and your Demoguy told me to ask for Medic?”

Medic turns away from the window (it's getting disturbingly saccharine out there, anyway) and looks at the young man. “You want to see my lab?”

“Yeah!”

“No you don't,” say about four people in unison. Medic shoots them all a dirty look.

“It's not for the faint of heart,” he says.

“Don't worry, the two of you in the other lab already warned me about it. But I still want to see it. Sounds cool.”

“Well, I can't show you some of the things I am working on, but come with me,” he says, beckoning. The two of them hurry out of the room, chattering excitedly.

“Oh no,” says Heavy. “Now there is two of them.”

* * *

“Do we even have enough grenade launchers for everyone?” Engie says to Demo as the two of them open the supply closet. The boys are clustered around a level three sentry, Bobby perched on top of it. The gun beeps cheerily.

“We could give some of them grenade launchers and some sticky launchers. Oh! We could teach them to sticky j--”

“We're not teaching them that! They're not hooked up to Respawn and I ain't explaining to their mother why several of her sons ended up splattered on the ground.”

A couple of the boys look up at that. “What's Respawn?”

Engie and Demo exchange a look. “Well, son,” Engie starts. “It's --”

“No one's got time for your bloody lectures,” Demo says, and blasts him in the face with one of Engineer's own shotguns. The boys, despite their violent backgrounds, look vaguely horrified. 

“Holy shit.”

“Och, just watch.” Seconds later, Engie's body vanishes, and a few minutes later the man himself is huffing back into the room. Scout's brothers look appropriately stunned.

Engineer storms up to Demo and grabs his gun. “Give me a little warning first, you one-eyed son of a bitch!”

* * *

“So what do you think of my boys?” Scout's mother asks Spy, the two of them still outside in the moonlight.

Spy fumbles for a cigarette, not sure how to answer the question. “You must have had your hands full with them,” is what he settles for.

“Oh, yeah. Joe and Billy weren't so hard, even if Joe was kinda ...morbid sometimes. But the others – boy, let me tell you. And once they got older and started getting in fights all the time? Practically knew all the cops by name, not that any of the boys ever got arrested. Scooter was probably the worst of them, always trying to outdo his big brothers, but I bet you already knew that,” she says with a sly smile.

Spy rolls his eyes heavenward. “Yes, believe me, I know how difficult _Scooter_ is.”

“He's a good boy, too, though. Bought me a nice house with some of that money he's making.”

“The money he makes murdering people.”

She shrugs. “It's not what I always wanted for him, but it's the best thing that could've happened in the situation. Either he does this, he's in jail, or he's dead. No question, I'd rather have him down here where you got your fancy machines and your doctor friend keeping him alive.”

“You're a very astute woman.” He doesn't mention Medic's rather shaky medical credentials.

“I ain't sure what 'astute' means, honey, but thank you.” She gives him a peck on the cheek. “Now we better get inside before something gets ruined. I get the feeling you do as much work keeping your boys in line as I do mine.”

Spy opens his mouth to disagree, but he thinks about all the times he's casually taken matches away from Pyro or thrown a blanket over a passed-out Demo and realizes she's not wrong.

* * *

“And what's in there?”

“That is my fridge,” Medic says. “Depending on the day it either keeps organs fresh for transplant or drinks cold.”

“Which is it today?” Joe asks. He's been very curious through the entire tour, taking everything in with an enthusiasm that may even outpace Medic's own.

Medic opens the fridge. “Looks like...both. _Verdammt_ , Heavy, what have I told you about storing food in here on organ days?!”

Joe's laughter is interrupted by the appearance of his mother and Spy in the doorway. 

“Oh, _merde_.”

“What?” both of them ask, pushing up their glasses. 

“What are you boys doing?” Joe's mother asks, attempting not to look at the gory surroundings.

“Medic was giving me a tour of his lab! It's wicked cool, some of the work he's doing. Though I can't tell you about it.” Medic nods solemnly.

“That's ...nice. I guess.”

“It probably isn't,” Spy says. 

“Where are your brothers?” she asks, ignoring Spy's jab.

“They're in the other lab, blowing stuff up.”

His mother looks a little faint. “Blowing stuff up?”

Joe waves a hand. “It's fine, two of Scooter's friends are there.”

She turns on her heel and practically runs out of the room. Spy, unwilling to spend any extra time with Medic and his new protégé, follows.

A few moments pass in silence. “Would you like to help me dissect Demoman's latest discarded liver?”

“Would I!”

* * *

Understandably, the other lab is in pandemonium. Demo's currently teaching the boys the best way to take down a sentry, so the room is thick with grenades, smoke, and Engineer's swearing.

All it takes is one whistle from their mother to get all of the boys to put down their grenade launchers and look her way.

“Come on, boys, it's probably time we went to bed. We've been driving all day and I think these guys have to work in the morning.” Demo nods in confirmation. 

“But ma --”

“No buts, mister. I don't care if you're all grown up now, you listen to your mother. Time for bed. And say thank you to Scooter's friends for letting you touch their stuff.”

“Thank you,” they chorus together, shuffling out of the room. Spy stays behind.

“Woo-ee,” Engie says. “She's really got them boys in line.”

“One hell of a woman,” Demo agrees.

“Indeed,” Spy says, still looking at the door she left through.

* * *

Pyro and three of his brothers are making breakfast when Scout comes into the kitchen the next morning.

“Aw, come on, guys, you're guests, you don't gotta cook,” he says.

“Scoot, there's like, seventeen people here. Your buddy in the gasmask can't do it all,” Billy says.

“So I'll get some of the other guys to help.”

“You're gonna cook?” asks Steve. “Looks like burnt toast for everyone.”

“Shut up, I can totally cook now. Engie's always making me learn that kind of shit, even though Pyro had to teach _him_ too.”

“By all means, then, kid,” Steve says, sliding out of the way and tossing his apron at Scout's head. “And don't let ma hear you say 'shit'.”

“Steven, are you swearing?!” his mother asks, coming into the kitchen with Spy. Both of them are already fully dressed, in contrast to everyone else's pajamas.

“Aw, nuts. I was just telling Scooter not to!”

“A likely story.”

“Morning, ma,” Scout says, putting the apron on properly.

“Morning, honey. Are you making breakfast, because I don't think I can deal with burnt toast right now.”

“No, we're making – Py, what are we making?”

“Prrncrrks.”

“Pancakes. There.”

“Well,” his mother says, “at least if we have to go out, we've got those vans.”

“Don't get into Sniper's van,” Scout warns. “He keeps some weird sh—stuff in there.”

Sniper looks up from his newspaper. “I told you, those jars are just for fighting!”

“Speaking of which, what are you guys gonna do while I'm at work? There ain't much to do around here.”

“I thought we might go into town,” she says, sitting down at the table.

“No!” shouts every mercenary, in unison.

“Ma'am, I don't want to intrude, but you really don't want to go into Teufort.”

“Why not?”

“Garbage dump in the middle of town,” says Demo.

“Mayor is crazy,” says Heavy.

“There's lead in the water,” says Medic.

“Pizza's terrible,” says Scout. Everyone looks at him. “What? It is.”

“So, what, we're just supposed to sit around here all day?”

“I guess so.”

* * *

It's the first battle ever fought with a cheering section.

* * *

“You boys did so great out there!” Scout's mother says as they walk back into the base. “I mean, not to say I'm for all this killing, but they just come back anyway. I'm so proud!” She pinches Scout's cheek, then realizes she got blood on her hand and has to ask for a hankerchief. Spy provides.

“I think they were kinda distracted by you guys being there,” Scout says, rubbing at his face. “Usually they pay more attention.”

There was a particular moment when the audience started doing the wave near a chokepoint and when they stopped to watch Scout managed to beat three opponents to death. With a fish.

“A victory's a victory, lad,” Demo says. “We're celebrating tonight!”

He tries this every time they win a match, which is usually about three times a week. At first, everyone was willing to join in, but now the “celebrations” generally equate to “Demo getting hammered by himself”.

“I'll make a meatloaf,” says Scout's mother. Then she looks around at how many people there are. “Make that a couple.”

* * *

“What the hell is going on out here?” demands Scout, awakened from his meatloaf-induced sleep by the sound of laughter.

“Scooter! We're drinking!”

“Yeah, Kevin, I can see that. But _why_ are you drinking? It's like two in the morning!”

“Well, we started a long time ago, and your friend has a _lot_ of booze.”

Demo tips his bottle in Scout's direction.

“Demo, I swear to god if your pipes are all over the place tomorrow I am literally going to beat you to death.”

“Och, I've been more hungover than this. It'll be fine, lad.” He takes a drink. “But if you do wind up killing me, don't use the bloody fish. 'S embarrassing.”

Scout sighs. “Just keep it down, guys. Some of us have to run around in the sun all day, all right?” He leaves.

“Man, what have you guys done with Scooter? He's practically a real grown-up now.”

“Spending enough time with Engie'll do that to a fella,” Demo says, wisely. “He makes everyone want to smarten up.”

Kevin looks at him. “But you're still out here, and you share a lab with him!”

“His tricks don't work on me, see. I'm on to him.”

There's another set of footsteps in the hallway. “Demo!”

“Ah, cripe, it's Engie. Grab your scrumpy and run!”

* * *

“So what are you gonna do when your job's up?” Scout's mom asks Spy as they lie next to each other, staring at his ceiling.

“I have not decided, _ma chère_. Travel, perhaps.”

“Oh, yeah? Where are you gonna go?”

“I hear that certain parts of the northeastern United States are nice,” he says, smirking.

“And what parts would those be?” she says, returning the smirk.

“New York,” he says.

She hits him with a pillow.

* * *

“Man, I can't believe you guys are leaving today,” Scout says the next morning. “You'll have to come for the whole week next time.”

“Mama's boy,” whispers Sniper to Demo.

“Like either of y'all can talk,” says Engie, pouring coffee.

“I know,” says his mother. “I'm gonna miss you too, baby.”

Spy walks into the kitchen. “And what about me?”

“Spy, how long were you waiting in the hallway for someone to say something like that?”

Scout's mother ignores that. “And you, too.”

This, of course, sets everyone else off. “What about us?”

She rolls her eyes at the fake whining. “Yeah, you guys too. But mostly these two.” She pats their heads affectionately, earning her two identical scowls.

“Are y'all coming to the match today?” Engie asks after a moment.

“I think we're just gonna load up the van and wait around here today, and then we'll leave after dinner.”

“All righty. I'm sure you'll be fine, what with all these big, strong boys of yours, but don't hesitate to ask if you need help.”

Spy gives him a glare that could kill a lesser man. Engie tips his hardhat.

* * *

“No cheerleaders today, short pants?” asks the enemy Soldier, attempting to blast Scout to bits with his rocket launcher.

“Nah, your mom was busy.”

“Hah! The joke is on you! My mother is dead!”

“I think that's still a burn on you, dude,” he says, finally getting in a last shot with his scattergun. “ _Diiiiis-missed!_ ”

* * *

“I have a gift for you,” Spy says, sidling into the room where Scout's mother is packing her bags.

“Oh? It's nothing weird, is it, because I've heard stories about French guys --”

“It's not weird!” He hands her the box.

She opens it. “Holy shit.”

“I take it that's a yes?”

“ _Holy shit!_ ”

“...This is not answering my question.”

“I'm having my reaction,” she says.

“I suppose I will just wait, then?”

“You bet. Oh my _god_!”

“I'm just going to take this as a 'yes'.”

“ _Oui_ ,” she says, putting on the ring inside.

* * *

“Woah, you're gonna burn my eyes out with that thing, careful!” Scout says when he sees her next. Then he has a realization. “Wait, does that mean you two are --”

“Yes.”

He points to Spy. “So you're gonna be --”

“Yes.”

The others show up to say their goodbyes as Scout hyperventilates.

“Aw, congratulations, Spy!” says Engie. “And to you, too, ma'am.”

“I think I've got some champagne somewhere,” says Demo.

“Looks like Scout's going to need it,” Sniper observes.

Medic hands him a paper bag. Scout puts it over his head.

“How did the other boys take it?” Medic asks, ignoring Scout.

“Better than this one. Though they all told him that they'd come back down here to beat him up if he hurt me.”

“It got tedious after the third one,” Spy confides.

Someone honks the van's horn. “Come on, ma, we have to go!”

“I'm coming, Eddie, hold your horses.” She turns to Spy. “I'll miss you.”

“And I you.”

Scout takes the bag off his head at the worst possible moment. “Aw, gross.” Spy manages to kick him in the shin without breaking the kiss.

“Bye, sweetie,” his mother says, giving Scout a kiss on the forehead. “Be careful. Eat your vegetables. And be nice to Spy.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“What was that?”

“Yes, ma.”

“Good.” She gets in the van. “Nice to meet you all! Bye!” Her sons hang out the back windows, shouting and waving their own goodbyes.

The team waves back as she drives off.

“I'm not calling you 'dad',” Scout says, once the van is out of sight.

“Thank god,” says Spy.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to be one chapter of a series about various family visits, but I kind of realized they'd all end up really similar so I just wrote the Scout one. Although I think I'm still going to try and find a reason to write about Demo's mom because she's ridiculous and I love her. Also: the first time I wrote a ship for this fandom _on purpose!_
> 
> As always, you can find me on [Tumblr](http://gilgameshwulfenbach.tumblr.com) or Steam (@intergalacticwag), and if you've got any TF2 fic-prompts you want written you should tell me them because I'm kind of running out of ideas.


End file.
